Twitterpated
by SomeKindofIdiot
Summary: Captain Jack explains the facts of life to a curious audience.


_I once watched Bambi, and the owl's explanation of love struck me as very Jack-like, so..._

_Enjoy._

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"What'sa matter wiv them?" Pintel growled, watching Elizabeth and William Turner fawn all over each other.

"Yeah," Ragetti nodded in agreement with his companion.

"They're actin' quite… well, quite odd, really."

Jack Sparrow snorted derisively, crossing his arms over his chest as he watched the happy couple.

"_Twitterpated_." he spat, feeling rather put out.

Barbossa glanced at Jack, raising a questioning eyebrow, but said nothing. Knowing Sparrow, it was probably some kind of made-up disease or something. Besides that, it was obvious to Barbossa that Sparrow was none too happy with Miss Elizabeth's choices as of late, and he had no desire to be caught up in Sparrow's little pity-party.

"Wot's twitterpated?" Ragetti piped up, Pintel nodding in agreement to the question.

"You don't know?" Jack asked, expressing comical amazement by widening his eyes.

The two pirates glance at each other, then shook their heads in unison.

Jack sighed.

"Well," he drawled with the air of someone explaining something elementary to a very dense person. "The first thing you've got to know is that nearly everybody gets Twitterpated in the springtime."

"Must have sumfin' to do wiv all those flowers." Ragetti muttered to his companion, who grunted in assent.

"For example:" Jack continued, with a glare, compelling his audience to silence.

"You'll be walking along, minding your own business, lookin' neither to the left," he demonstrated with an exaggerated motion, "Nor to the right," Jack demonstrated yet again, this time glancing right at Barbossa, then flinching exaggeratedly.

Barbossa rolled his eyes and turned to listen, knowing it would be a better alternative than having the two twits on his right pestering him for an explanation all day. (Once Sparrow got started on a tale like this it was very hard to distract him from it anyway.)

"-when suddenly, wivvout warning, you walk smack into a pretty face." Jack clasped his hands before his chest, fluttering his eyelids and smiling in what was obviously meant to be an enticing manner. It looked quite ridiculous to Barbossa, and he growled under his breath, wishing the idiot would just get on with it.

"WOOHOO!" Jack shrieked without warning, causing Pintel and Ragetti to jump slightly in alarm. He snickered at their reaction and continued.

"Then, as it happens, you begin to get weak in the knees," Jack's legs began to shake in an appropriately ridiculous manner.

"Your head's in a whirl!" Jack spun in a circle, causing his hair to fly out in all directions. Pintel and Ragetti's eyes followed, while Barbossa simply glared.

"You're walking on air!" Jack then proceeded to prance about, as if he were wearing a very large and poofy skirt. Barbossa groaned, tired of this nonsense, but Ragetti and Pintel seemed very absorbed in the captain's explanation.

"You're knocked for a loop!" Jack spun about again, this time in a slightly drunken fashion, waving his arms around and then clutching his head as if he'd got a splitting headache. Barbossa growled, resolving to give Jack a little more than a headache if this insanity kept up.

"_AND_," the crazy captain continued, "You completely lose your head!" At this point Jack tugged his shirt up slightly over his head, fluttering his hands in the air above as if he had misplaced it.

Ragetti and Pintel glanced at each other, getting the gist of the idea now.

"So it's like-" Ragetti began only to be interrupted by Jack, whose rant still appeared to be in full swing.

"Ah, ah ah, that ain't all chum." He tut-tutted, wagging a finger at the one-eye pirate.

"It can happen to _anybody._" Jack said in a stage whisper, glancing around conspiratorially. Pintel and Ragetti looked apprehensive, leaning in towards Jack, while Barbossa huffed in irritation.

"Can it really happen to anybody?" Pintel asked in a worried tone, while Ragetti bobbed his head, wondering the same thing.

"Oh, yes." Jack said very seriously, giving the two a grave look.

"It could happen to you!" He expounded suddenly, jabbing a finger at Pintel, who jumped backwards.

"And you!" He repeated, pointing at Ragetti once more, causing the already nervous pirate to shake his head vehemently.

"And y-!" Jack turned to Barbossa and stopped, an expression of disgust crossing his face. He had forgotten the other captain was so… icky.

Barbossa rolled his eyes in exasperation. Of all the idiotic nonsense…

"Me?" He growled, causing Jack to grimace.

"Yes, you too." Jack grudgingly admitted.

"But I doubt it." He added under his breathe to the other two pirates, who glanced at their captain and wisely chose to remain silent.


End file.
